so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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