is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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