he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
