Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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