I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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