the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
