She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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