Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
