Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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