Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
