She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
