Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize