I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
