P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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