I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
