I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
