I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
