Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
