i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
