I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
