The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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