Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
