I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
