Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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