I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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