Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
