How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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