if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
