i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
