I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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