Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
