Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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