All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
