I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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