You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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