i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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