yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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