Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
