Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
