why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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