i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
