god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
