I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
