I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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