fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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