I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
