Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
