i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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