i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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