I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
