WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
