Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
